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Monday, October 6th, 2003
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12:21 pm
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in school, what a weekend, i did nothing but work...
stayed in on friday night, tried to do one of my history essays..then i was in boots on saturday, i cannot stand that place...its so brash and loud and the kids, they scream...and the people are always in such a rush...fortunately it wasnt too busy, with the liverpool match and the rain...
im working boxing day and new years day, but im getting £7.24 and hour for them, kinda worth it...maybe...
went shopping before work, bought...um, ANOTHER suitcase, my bedroom now looks more like a luggage carrige than a bedroom...but i love them, and david was right "no furniture is the way forward"
i spent £30 on a french dictionary, its worth it, its so BIG and...theres so many WORDS! bought some books, my own copy of the handmaids tale, i resent NOT being allowed to highlight the school copies...so i had to get my own copy, i think it may be the first school book that i enjoy readin, ive read about half of it now, cant put it down...got some other books aswell, and cds, "Every Day and Every Night"-Bright Eyes and the best of morrissey, wonderful stuff :)
worked saturday night. worked yesterday, will someone please tell me how its possible that i still have so much to do!?
bleh, im sick of sixth form already, could do with a change of scenery, i got back my cambridge photos, cambridge, that would be a nice change of scenery...*siiigh*
current mood:  apathetic
current music: Neely O'Hara-Bright Eyes
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| Monday, September 22nd, 2003
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12:20 pm
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im sitting in the computer room, i dont want to eat lunch, i need the money! means i can go and see dolls again at the end of this week, its such a stunning film!
im going to see young adam tonight
went to see calendar girls on saturday
igby goes down on friday night
belville roundez-vous last tuesday
im pretty impressed by that :D
meh, im bored, im trying to sort out interviews for the next couple of months
travis still havent sold out, i wonder if there will be any tickets left when i get paid, id kill to see them, but im so absolutely broke (hence the saving of the dinner money)
had what was almost a productive weekend...cinema twice, worked saturday, caught up on school work yesterday, im pretty damn impressed!
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| Friday, September 19th, 2003
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12:39 pm - keep making these "to-do:" lists, but nothing gets crossed out...
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i feel like smashing my head against the wall, i hate this time wasting, i hate having so much to do, i hate not being able to do it all, i hate a lot of things at the moment
( Read more... )
current mood:  frustrated
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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11:01 am
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ive fallen in love with cambridge, its amazing...
it feels awful to be home, real life is so stale
im worried about doing art, im worried i wont get an a or that ill end up hating it, i need to get an a if i want to go to cambridge
i dont know what to do
i hate real life, i liked being there it was far away, away from it all
been talking to david again, i think i like him so much because its not real
he moves into uni this saturday, hes lucky...
current mood:  discontent
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| Monday, September 15th, 2003
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8:47 am
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i want to withdraw from my life all those things that make me suffer, that make me feel the ways that i dont want to feel
this is a very self-indulgent journal entry, but i feel different now, different from how i felt yesterday, im not the same anymore, its a little clearer now, because i actally thought about what i want...
does anyone ever get the feeling that they never ask themselves what they actually want? i dont think i do that enough, i dont think anyone does it enough, theres to many confused messages getting thrown in...too many things to get us sidetracked
( Read more... )
current mood:  excited
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, September 13th, 2003
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10:17 am
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oh, words cannot describe how wonderful oxford was, it is, quite literally, heaven...
and fuck im going there if its the last thing that i do...
it was incredible, all these libraries and trees, and these signs saying "dont feed the deer" they have deer there, and it was all so old, and so incredibly pretty and quiet...
and theres 5 theatres (at least) 4 cinemas (2 of which are arthouse cinemas) and they have student balls, last year mull historical society played at the magdalen ball
*siiigh*
some people are so lucky!
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| Wednesday, September 10th, 2003
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4:20 pm - survey thing, im booored
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3:38 pm
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wow, the most adorable guy came into school today to give us a talk on university and things, well there were 4 of them, but one of them was rather special really...
i dont know how many people came over to me to tell me "oooh have you been to the general studies talk yet, youd soooo like the guy" they were sooo right, he was damn hot stuff, floppy brown indie hair, stripey top, tight-ish jeans, black suit jacket, and to top it all, guess what hes just done a degree in...
( Read more... )
current mood: optimistic
current music: snow patrol-if id found the right words to say
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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11:17 am - it keeps me vying for a connection
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i feel okay today, better than i have in a while
( Read more... )
current mood:  contemplative
current music: snow patrol-if id found the right words to say
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, September 9th, 2003
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12:50 pm - list of lists...
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| Monday, September 8th, 2003
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2:01 pm - dont leave me high, dont leave me dry...
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| Saturday, September 6th, 2003
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10:24 am
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guess whos going to see blur
fuck yes, im going to see blur
current mood: excited
current music: youre so great-blur
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, September 5th, 2003
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12:30 pm
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feel lousy, i think i may have actually ended the whole thing with david, its probably a good thing, it was never going to last and it was pointless and i never really felt like i could rely on him, he was too tempremental, why didnt he want it to work? i thought he was so incredibly special...
mark is an absolute darling, i luff him to bits, and its in a totally affectionate way, its so much better now, than how it used to be, its good...just the friends thing, well its just friends, but i feel so much stronger about him than i do about most of my friends, its nice to have
been working and things, im kinda enjoying school, so glad that i took art, its wonderful, my favourite lesson by far :)
getting blur tickets tomorrow hopefully, i adore blur, always have since i was about 7 or something stupid, never been to see them live though...
eugh, so the lousyness its...i dont know, i feel lonely i guess, and just like...meh, bored with everything, i guess everyone feels like that sometimes, i was talking to david about it and he was so dismissive, it really kinda hurt...i think it hurts because i KNOW he used me and i KNOW that he doesnt really care about me at all, i was never expecting him to treat me like we were together or anything, just i wanted to feel as if he actually cared about me...meh, i dunooo
i always seem to be in a bad mood recently, its not good!
ill be quiet now...
current mood: lonely
current music: motorcycle emptiness-the manics
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| Thursday, September 4th, 2003
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10:32 am
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oooh, nets finally working again!
um, so back at school this week, its good, im enjoying the subjects i guess, dont have to do things that im not interested in anymore at least
art has been the best so far, have that this afternoon again, looking forward to it :)
sitting in the computer room because our usual "haunt" the music room is having the wondows "smashed in" or something, so we cant use it...
i miss david like crazy, i dont really know what happened, there are occasional text messages, very very ocassional, but nothing like it used to be, havent spoken to him in so long...
spoke to mark lots over the weekend, well, yeah, i rang him a couple of times, hope i didnt annoy him or anything :S in this really weird way im jealous of his girlfriend/ex girlfriends, but im not really interested in him in THAT kinda way anymore...its odd...i think id just like someone that i felt close to, i just feel lonely sometimes!
spent saturday working, then wandering up to fact i saw giorgio, as in mr topuzz, it was rather strange, he quite clearly had no idea who i was...kinda awkward *ahem* umm...then i erm spent saturday night on the phone to mark, yes youre all jealous of my social life arent you :P on sunday i went to see dolls, its such an excellent film, so tragic and beautiful, just the way that life should be, when i came out of that i was in the oddest mood, i had a wander around town, took some random photos and ummm...stuff...
then went to town with paul on monday, that was uneventful, but fun, we bought peg dolls, which are adorable and all, and um...thats about it, paul found the cutest vintage lecoste t-shirt on oxfam and some rather special gap jeans too...ummm, ordered some cds and saw some random liverpool "celebs"...were talking the zutons drummer, that scouse one off hollyoaks and some guy from the las, oooh, and danny or reuben (im not sure which) from ladytron, how random, then just been at school since, if its possible i feel stressed already, *rolls eyes* i really am quite lame sometimes!
current mood: melancholy
current music: snow patrol-how to be dead
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| Saturday, August 30th, 2003
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10:08 am
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well, i aint been online for, well ages, ok not ages, a few days, but being an internet addict as i am i am experiencing withdrawel symptoms...
so, um, been working, and i have come to the conclusion that boots are the most evil employers in the world, besides anything its boring to work there, but i get minimum wage aswell!
and theyre commercial bastards, and morally im against them/that BUT im much more strongly opposed to me having no money, so, i see it as a means to an end, rather than not actually HAVING any morals/ignoring my morals, im not, im aware of them and i suffer every minute im sitting in that BRASH COMMERCIAL HELL HOLE *ahem*
so yeah, yesterday i worked 6 (YES 6 IN THE MORNING!?) till 5 i was DEAD afterwards, paul was back from spain, and i really wanted to go to le bateau but, too tired...
i bought some rather wonderful cds/records this week...um, fevers and mirrors by bright eyes, its amazing, im not even going to even bother starting to describe WHY its so god damn wonderful, i wouldnt do it justice, but BELIEVE ME its *stunning* and the new snow patrol album, again, *stunning* went to see them on wednesday night, and they were so god damn amazing, ive NEVER been that close to crying at a gig before!
and i got a godspeed LP, its rather special, its a double vinyl album and the artwork is magical!
ummmm...so yeah, ive been too bust (working) to even think about anything, you know i hate it when you think of things (random observations) but you cant write them down, i think more people should pay attention to the random observations...
umm, finally, i want to send some letters, because i like writing them and i dont have anyone who wants them/appreciates them, so anyone want a letter!?
current mood: frustrated
current music: Bright Eyes-Arienette
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| Tuesday, August 26th, 2003
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11:41 am
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someone just signed in to msn with the name "GIVEN UP GIVING A FUCK" exactly how i feel at the moment...
want my room to be decorated
i need money
im sick of the way i look
i want some kind of real exciting relationship, not something romantic, i want to meet people in REAL life, new people who i want to talk to, and who want to talk to me
i dont think i really have much left to say to the people i have left anymore...
i really need this week to go well, im getting paid on friday, that sorts out money...need to get my room a bit more sorted out...
then i just need to be in a better mood
i cant fuck this year up with angst
eugh...
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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10:18 am
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the library is such a strange place, all these lonely obsesives, theres this little girl whos absolutely addicted to chat rooms, theres a guy obsessed with nazi/army uniforms, he spends all day here, he looks for uniforms on ebay, and reads about nazi's and he has a nazi sticker on his tobacco tin...
and then theres me, falling hopelessly in love with someone who doesnt want to know/exist
we are the dregs/geeks/obsessiees of society, eugh, really dont want to class myself in with these idiots
hmmm, so watched that programme last night, the brip pop one, that had all of us thinking they were showing Live Forever the FILM, but nooo, just some documentry thing...
um, yeah, confirmed GOTTA BE BLUR ALL THE WAY....ahhhh...Alex <3
like i ever really had any doubt what side to align myself with on the Blur vs Oasis thing anyways...!
as much as some oasis stuff is cute, and i really do wish i had been at Knebworth...still, BLUR *siiigh* they are middle class snobs, as i am...and fucking hell i hate "working class heros" i hate that attitude...*shudders* its all "lets drink cheap beer and get very drunk and wa-heeeey fucking hell lets go to blackpool waaa-heeey fuck you" you know what i mean...
ummm, was working yesterday
my room finally looks like a room again, i found old suitcases in the loft, and i agree with "no furniture is the way forward" so, currently i have bed, little table and suitcases...record player and tv too, and stuff, but see, lack of furniture :)
weirdest thing happened last night
thought i got a message, dont know if i did, but im sure i got it, i was woken up by it, and then...i was reading it...and...then...i didnt know whether i was awake or not anymore...and waaaaah, confusing!
i miss david :(
marks really wonderful, finally a wonderful person, who happens to be a boy, but who i can actually JUST be good friends with, and who i dont feel stupid with...blah blah blah :)
current mood: melancholy
current music: Blur- Look Inside America
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, August 22nd, 2003
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2:25 pm
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soo, turns out with art i was one mark off a b and all the marks had been cut by 25% anyways, without them even looking at them all, my teacher gave me an A but, WITHOUT LOOKING AT MY WORK my mark was cut by 25% and i ended up with a c!
been talking to mark a lot, really honestly, which is lovely, for a few reasons, because it makes me feel close to him, and i love talking to him, because its honest and he doesnt bore me like so many people do...talking to people make me so happy...real conversations :)
like at the moment, im talking to this one guy, and fucking hell he fucking bores the life out of me...he says absolutely nothing, and i dont know him at all, and he acts like we're really good friends...he calls me "babes" and keeps saying how he'd like to meet me, WHY!? i dont know him, have anything in common with him, and besides anything hes about 23, um...get a life!? *yawn* oof, thats bitchy, i dont do bitchy, but passive people annoy me, and hes as passive as a fucking ornament...
signed up for sixthform this morning...i decided on english lit, french, history and art (regardless of the c) im really looking forward to it. I got the itinery for the cambridge trip aswell, its so exiting, i get to go to lectures on french poetry and architecture and law, and we go punting! im going with alex, who i adore, and who absolutely kicks ass, and is one of my bestet bestet friends, since i was about 11..so thats pretty marvellous :)
i feel like things are finally going somewhere now, maybe ill start living life some time soon?
current mood: hopeful
current music: the hole in my heart-the dawn parade
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| Thursday, August 21st, 2003
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11:09 am
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oooh errr, got my results...
science (dual award) A* A*
art c (im gutted about that, but apparently its "unconfirmed" and nearly everyone seemed
to have c's, a couple of b's and one a, in the whole year!)
english language A
english literature A
french A*
geography A*
RE A*
maths A*
so im pretty happy :)
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| Tuesday, August 19th, 2003
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11:36 am
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i havent updated this for so long
im not feeling so good...
i feel insanely bored with everything
and all the drudgery of attempting to NOT be bored anymore just makes me feel ill, and more pissed off...
one thing that has kinda made me happy...
(and this is lame)
is Mark and the occasional conversations i have with him, not really because i...hmmm...like him, like THAT anymore...just because, i dont know, hes sweet and i care about him, and i feel like i need to care about something...
i feel as if i got to a place where im comfortable with him, because its finally not complicated anymore, not that it ever really was, well our "relationship" never really was, but in my head, the way i felt about him, that was...but i got rid of all that, all the jealousy, and the paranoia, and now i just feel...comfortable with him, and i love him to bits in the most absolutely affectionate way...
The David thing, eugh, thats a little different, its complicated and not going anywhere, and hes so tempremental, i told him something stupid, that i was falling in love with him, which, i think i might be...i dont mean that i LOVE him, i dont know him well enough, but you know when know you could fall in love with someone? well, thats what its like...and sometimes it feels so special, and so intense, and i know he knows that too, but then i wont speak to him for days, and it fades, its like he just forgets about me, and then, when hes ready, he'll pick me up again...
seeing as im talking about people...
another person who i dont really know, but who is so sweet is [ Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<livejournaluser=chaosdream>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] i havent updated this for so long
im not feeling so good...
i feel insanely bored with everything
and all the drudgery of attempting to NOT be bored anymore just makes me feel ill, and more pissed off...
one thing that has kinda made me happy...
(and this is lame)
is Mark and the occasional conversations i have with him, not really because i...hmmm...like him, like THAT anymore...just because, i dont know, hes sweet and i care about him, and i feel like i need to care about something...
i feel as if i got to a place where im comfortable with him, because its finally not complicated anymore, not that it ever really was, well our "relationship" never really was, but in my head, the way i felt about him, that was...but i got rid of all that, all the jealousy, and the paranoia, and now i just feel...comfortable with him, and i love him to bits in the most absolutely affectionate way...
The David thing, eugh, thats a little different, its complicated and not going anywhere, and hes so tempremental, i told him something stupid, that i was falling in love with him, which, i think i might be...i dont mean that i LOVE him, i dont know him well enough, but you know when know you could fall in love with someone? well, thats what its like...and sometimes it feels so special, and so intense, and i know he knows that too, but then i wont speak to him for days, and it fades, its like he just forgets about me, and then, when hes ready, he'll pick me up again...
seeing as im talking about people...
another person who i dont really know, but who is so sweet is <livejournaluser=chaosdream> I havent really talked to him very much, but id like to more, seems like a lovely person, and interesting with it, i like meeting interesting people.
meh, enough about other people
been decorating my room, actually, more "un-decorating" taking down pictures and photos and posters and packing everything away, there feels something final about it, with results coming up on thursday and signing up for sixthform on friday i really feel like im coming to the end of something, so many of my friends are leaving, and im changing so much, and i have changed so much over the last couple of years, its all different now....and my feeling about it are so conflicting, im glad that i can move on now, i felt like i was being suffocated...and i feel like theres some kinda light at the end of the tunnel now, university, only 2 years away now...but at the same time its saddens me...and it scares me
thats something ive been feeling so much recently, scared, about so much, about lame things, about being lonely and that i dont feel like i believe in anything anymore, and the things that i care about, i dont really have any faith in them, and it scares me, i know its angsty, but i cant help it!!
going to look round furniture shops today, old ones like the oxfam furniture shop and this fantstic shop in town, 69A...i want some old furniture, im not sure really what i want to do with my room...hmmm, need to decide...
current mood:  anxious
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lonelywreckage's journal